I, Sterling Lambert, as Highmost Weirdo of The Church of The Purple Weirdo, here tell You of Him, Our God, The One and Only True God, The Purple Weirdo:
The Purple Weirdo, The One and Only True God, magnificently condensed from the vapors of the e-cigarettes exhaled from the people’s mouths.
The Purple Weirdo, The One and Only True God
He had been here all along, but it wasn’t until The Holymost Magical Mixture of diethylene glycol, nitrosamines, and artificial cherry flavoring synchronized For-Profit that He materialized upon this planet, The Blue Weirdball, and gave us His Ten Precepts, inscribed for eversterity in White Frosting upon The Holy Erotic Penis Cake:
The Holy Erotic Penis Cake
THE TEN PRECEPTS OF THE PURPLE WEIRDO
by The Purple Weirdo,
The One and Only True God.
PREAMBLIN’: Ye, My Children of The Blue Weirdball, I, The Purple Weirdo, bequeath unto You these Ten Precepts of The Purple Weirdo, The One and Only True God, to help You Live and Die; at the very least, You should have some of The Holy Erotic Penis Cake. For it is gluten free, organic, and will make You feel somewhat better, for a time. And if ever You should need Me, My Children of The Blue Weirdball, just have a languorous puff on Your cherry-flavored e-cigarette, and pense upon of Me; for I am always with You. Even when You are masturbating to Digital Streams of fornicating strangers on the Internet.
Here are My Ten Precepts:
1. Life is essentially meaningless.
2. Therefore, there is no winning, losing, success, or failure.
3. There is only Living and Dying.
4. You must pray to Chance for Oblivion, which will be peaceful and quiet and Whatnot, or whatever – why don’t You just make something up appealing to Yourself? This Oblivion is Your deathly Reward, so it should be customized; after all, My Children, why would You subscribe without a personally appealing deathly Reward? No ‘one size fits all’ in The Church of The Purple Weirdo, as with the other obsolete false religions.
5. That Chance for Oblivion is currently hypostatized by 99942 Apophis, which might fuck us up pretty good in 2029, and which is the other half of the Consubstantial Dynity, besides Myself, The Purple Weirdo, The One and Only True God. In one, there is two; with two, there is one. And any similarities in these Ten Precepts to Spice Girls pop ballad lyrics are coincidental.
6. But, alas, I am only a god, and like all other gods, I have no real power at all. So Apophis probably will not hit, no matter how hard You pray. Your Chance for Oblivion may be delayed.
7. But fuck it. Because I am a god, evidence, or its lack, or outcomes, or countless horrors, cruelties, absurdities, and debasements will not make You think one way or another about anything when it comes to Me. Like all other gods, I am an infinite Teddy Bear, so I encourage You to get a stuffed Purple Weirdo to hug in Your bed. They are available through The Church of The Purple Weirdo’s website for $39.99, plus Shipping.
8. And if the small Chance for Oblivion through Apophis that I have bequeathed unto You does not come to pass, fear not, My children: there will always be another Chance for Oblivion, otherwise futurely hypostatized, for which You may ineffectually pray.
9. And as necessary, please update the Holy Underlined Terms in these Ten Precepts to contain the current best Chance for Oblivion, which update makes My God-dom far superior to any prior; You see, You can actually Change shit with Me. I, The Purple Weirdo, am not like a zealot or anything.
10. And while You await Your Death, My Children, please consider not being Narcissistic, Sociopathic, Social-Power-Hungry, Material-Goods-Obsessed Assholes. I mean Jesus-fucking-Christ already with that goddamned bullshit.
Thus, I, The Purple Weirdo, The One and Only True God, in Consubstantial Dynity with the current best Chance for Oblivion, as hypostatized by 99942 Apophis, have Precepted.